Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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