last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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