Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
