Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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