You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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