it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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