He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
