you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
