I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
