Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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