I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
