Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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