My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
