They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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