I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
