I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize