whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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