I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
