i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
