guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I look better un-naked...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
