I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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