i wish my penis had a tongue
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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