Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
