He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize