When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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