You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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