you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
