the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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