he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
