it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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