I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
