So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Go christen that room with your naked body.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
