I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
True strength comes from lack of pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
