I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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