i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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