i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
