The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
