I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
