Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
