you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
