THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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