Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
