I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
