took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
