i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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