do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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