Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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