Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
