If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
