you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
