In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
