god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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