she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
