found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
