By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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