hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
