No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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