I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
