dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
