People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
