I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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