i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
