I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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