Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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